Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
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I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!