*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
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Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this