If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
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My Sentiments Exactly
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie