Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
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The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
yall want some gasoline milk
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.