coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
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Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.