Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
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I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?