Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
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8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants