At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
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WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
🤣dope
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen