Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
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The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Comparing yourself to others
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone