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During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer