me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
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Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
no their not
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
channeling her this year
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”