A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
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They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
DOOO EEEET
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?