I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
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KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Rather alarming headline…
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
X-tra spooky blend
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.