I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
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Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Holy shit he’s back
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Sex so good you see dead people.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.