[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
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If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.