When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
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You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Happy thanksgiving
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,