saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
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If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Not today. 😅
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.