the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
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I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”