“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
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BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
m’lady
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
That’s fair
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult