“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
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When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now