Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
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Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same