2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
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Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.