me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
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When the doctor asks about my sex life.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’