A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
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Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
huge if true: the moon
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted