I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
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Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
the noise i just made
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Carpe DM
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
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