Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
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[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.