Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
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Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
The Joker was right
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.