ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
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I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done