Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
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*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Trying
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Hell yeah 👍
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
shut up and take my money