Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
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Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!