My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
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Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.