Twitter remains undefeated
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Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
How is it still this week?
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?