Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
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Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad