8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
You Might Also Like
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Your secret is safeish with me
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Never ghost your hitman.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️