i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
You Might Also Like
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
I don’t know what to do
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Every time.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.