Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
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“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.