Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
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Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.