[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
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OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.