My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
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*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
I don’t think my car can fly
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat