[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
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I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
every college guy’s fridge
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
My whole life was a lie.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.