I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
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married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
What if all the cashiers are married?
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it