If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
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You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu