“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
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Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse