A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
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Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling