Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
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Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend