Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
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[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
guys i’ve cracked the code
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Just a reminder, folks:
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”