interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
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7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.