How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
You Might Also Like
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now