Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
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I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
It’s an epidemic…
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life