“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
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[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.